Summer has finally cooled down enough that instead of hibernating inside with the air conditioning, we are actually able to enjoy time outside and open the windows to allow breezes into our home. I love it.
Funny enough, earlier this week, our open windows presented me with a parenting moment, and it wasn't necessarily a good one.
Abby was sitting at the table eating her lunch. As a special treat, I had bought her a single-serving bowl of Beefaroni. (Yes, yes, canned beef product and noodles - not my finest mommy moment, but she loves them and we only do it every once in a while...) I was putting my own lunch dishes in the sink when I heard a bump from the other room, followed by a "Sorry, mommy..." I turn around to find half a bowl of Beefaroni on the floor and Abby with her spoon in mid-air. I lost it. In my best "repressing my anger" voice, I asked Abby why her lunch was on the floor. She admitted that she wasn't holding onto the bowl. When I asked her why, she replied "because I wasn't." (Hello phrase that triggers my anger...) I sent her to the bathroom to clean herself up while I began cleaning up the floor. After cleaning the floor and letting Zach out of his booster chair, I went into the bathroom to find that, instead of cleaning her hands and face like I had asked, Abby was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, pouting because I hadn't let her put her dirty spoon in the sink. (And cue second loss of temper in the last five minutes...) After getting Abby cleaned up and in bed for an early, extended quiet rest time, I realized that I could hear my neighbors, who were speaking at normal volumes in their backyard, clearly through my open windows. This also meant that they most likely heard my half-hearted attempts at keeping my voice calm and steady (a.k.a. angry voice and frustrated words).
The next day, we were in the grocery store and Zach was itching to get out of the cart, which meant I was pushing snacks, his sippy cup, and a bunch of toys at him in an attempt to keep him calm long enough to finish my shopping. As we were going down a fairly crowded aisle, Zach dropped a toy on the ground and Abby said, "Oh Zachy, you're being such a pain in the butt!" {Insert mortified mom here.} Yes, I sometimes jokingly tell the kids that they're being a pain in mommy's butt, followed by playful nibbles, tickles and hugs. So imagine my shock when a comment I had made as a joke was taken out of context by my almost-4 year old. In a crowded grocery store.
So what's the point of all this? Not more mommy guilt, I hope? After thinking about it, I realized that the point is that I sometimes parent like no one is listening. I say things, even in a joking manner, that I probably wouldn't say if someone else was around. But now I have a preschooler who repeats everything that I say, even if I wish she wouldn't. I have open windows and anyone in the neighborhood could hear my words. But, most importantly, God is always listening. He hears the words that I speak to my children, my two precious blessings from Him. I imagine there are times when he shakes his head at a random comment or tone of voice that I use with His blessings. I imagine there are times when he would like to remind me of the way that my parents spoke to me, with kindness and love, but firmly when necessary. I imagine there are times when he'd like to use a mute button on me before I say something that I will regret later.
So, the past few days, I've been trying much harder to watch my words, because I know people are listening. I know that my words and my tone of voice are making an impression on Abigail (and Zach). I know that whatever I say could be repeated, in or out of context, at any time. So, I am trying to say things that I would only say in front of anyone. I am trying to use a tone of voice that I would use in front of anyone. This doesn't mean that I'm not disciplining and directing my children. I still have to teach Zach to not hit and stay away from "yucky" things in our house (like garbage cans). I still have to help refine Abigail's manners and stop pouting fits. But I realize that I want to do this, in private, in the same manner that I would in public. I want to be consistent. I want to be kind and loving. I want God to know that I will strive every day to be a better mother to these two amazing children that He has given me. So from now on, I'm parenting with my windows open.
