The Heartbreak of Raising an Independent Child

I had a rough morning. I actually cried in my car after I dropped Abby off at daycare. I had a hard time pulling out of the parking lot.

Do you want to know why Monday morning saw me crying like, well, a baby? My little girl is growing up. Yep, something as simple (and inevitable) as that.

Abby is currently in a bit of a mommy phase. She likes being around me. She likes it when we play together. And, unfortunately for my back, my 23+ pound daughter likes to be held by her mommy. All the time. When my back is hurting and I feel like I can't get anything done without having a munchkin attached to my hip, I remind myself that she will eventually grow out of her "mommy phase" and won't want to be held by me anymore. That makes me hug her just a bit tighter and realize that I can get done whatever needs doing later on.

This morning, after a quick trip to the doctor's office, I dropped Abby off at daycare. When we arrived (about an hour later than normal), the Blueberries were having story time. I set Abby down, took off her coat, and urged her to join her friends. She smiled at me, ran over, and immediately started crawling on the foam mats with her friends, stopping occasionally to look at the pictures in the book that was being read by one of her teachers. I hung up Abby's coat, unpacked Abby's diaper bag, and took a few minutes to speak with her other teacher. Before leaving, I walked over to the circle, kissed Abigail, and told her that I hoped she had a great day with her friends. She smiled at me and then started laughing with Derrick. (I assume it was an inside joke...) I wished the teachers a great day and walked toward the door. At the door, I stopped, turned around, and saw Abby looking at me. I blew her a kiss and told her that I loved her. At this point, I was honestly ready for a crying fit. But, Abby looked at me with a huge smile on her face, waved, blew me a kiss, and then continued to crawl all over the mats with Derrick.

Is it wrong of me to want my kid to cry when I leave? Is it wrong of me to want my little girl to be sad that her mommy has to leave for work? As I cried on my way to the train station, I realized that the answer is yes and no. It's not wrong to want to know that my little girl loves me. But, she knows that mommy and daddy would not leave her with someone whom we didn't trust completely. She knows that we are leaving her at a place where she will be safe and will have fun and will enjoy new experiences. So, while I am slightly sad to know that Abby does not melt down every time I leave the room, I am glad to know that Abby doesn't melt down every time I leave the room. She is learning to be independent and to interact with little kiddies and other adults besides mommy and daddy.

So, I was sad. I didn't really want to see Abby upset, but a small part of me equated an Abby meltdown with Abby love. Which it's not. Just because Abby didn't cry when I left her today doesn't mean that she doesn't love me. It just means that she is growing up and enjoys playing with her friends and teachers. Plus, the small voice in the back of my mind reminded me that I am her mommy and she always has a hug and a smile for me. So, play on, little Abigail. Have a great day at Tutor Time today. Play with your friends and eat your yummy lunch and take a refreshing nap. And know that while you do all these things, mommy is sitting at her computer, loving you so much that her tears have been replaced by a smile.