Shaken...

Okay, I probably watch more television than I should. After a long day, when my little munchkin goes to sleep, I admit that my body tends to gravitate towards the couch and the remote, rather then towards, let's say, the elliptical machine or the pile of laundry on the bathroom floor. On Thursday night, I watch Grey's Anatomy. Also, at the end of last season, I caught a few episodes of Private Practice, and I have been waiting for the season premiere to see what happened to Violet.

Well, after watching both shows last night, I realized that I should have turned off the television and gone to bed. It was too graphic for me. Way too graphic for me. I don't want to go into too much detail (especially if you're waiting to watch the episodes or if you have a tender constitution like me), but suffice it to say, both shows included surgeries that had to be performed to save the lives of newborn babies.

I don't know what happened, but as the scene in Grey's came on and I saw that little baby (which I obviously knew was not a real baby but was made to look like a real baby), I lost it. I practically ran into the kitchen and just started sobbing. Carey followed me into the kitchen and held me until I could stop crying. He just kept saying: "It's okay, Kris. It's not a real baby. It's just t.v." But holy cow, it seemed real. And it seemed awful. And some insane, unstable part of me looked at the not-even-real baby on television, the tiny soul that was undergoing an operation to save her life, and saw Abby's face. I lost it.

Every once in a while, I have one of these "mommy moments." Moments when the responsibility of raising a child seems overwhelming. Moments when my mind reels with all of the things that could go wrong with my child. Moments when I literally shake with fear that someday my child will have something wrong that I can't fix with a bit of infant ibuprofen and a kiss. These moments are frightening and, for better or worse, are part of being a mommy and taking care of someone you love.

But, then I remember that someone else loves Abby, too. He formed her, He knows her, and He loves and cares for her, too. I am His hands here on earth, but He is the one in control. Then, those insane, unstable parts of me that see danger at every turn and my child's face on every tragedy, well, then those parts see His hands - His hands holding Abigail's hands, His hands guiding her steps, and His hands comforting those hurts.

So, last night I was shaken. But, last night I was also comforted by the knowledge that while, on my own, I am absolutely incapable and unworthy of being Abigail's mommy, with Him I have the strength and wisdom to care for His precious little one. That knowledge stopped the shaking and allowed me a peaceful night's sleep. God is good. :-)