Um, wow.

Yesterday was a rough day. Work was pretty crazy with half of our staff out of the office for Yom Kippur - in addition to our regular work, we were all answering phones and putting out fires all day. One of these fires happened to erupt right before I was scheduled to leave work, so I missed my train. As I was running to the subway station, someone stopped me to ask for directions. (I've discovered that I have one of those faces - anyone who is lost in New York City will stop me to ask for directions...) I was really in a hurry, but I stopped long enough to listen to the woman and point her in the right direction. I made it onto the subway platform just as my subway pulled away. So, I not only missed my usual train, but missing the subway caused me to miss my back-up train. Thankfully, another subway came along and I was able to catch my back-up, back-up train. Which ran late. So instead of pulling into my stop on the Long Island Railroad at 5:45 pm, it was closer to 6:00 pm. And I got stopped at every single stoplight on my way to Tutor Time. I ended up being almost 45 minutes later than normal to pick up Abby. I was frustrated. (Thankfully, she was adorable and had a huge smile for me when I walked in the door, so that helped!!)

After I got home, I remembered a chapter that I'd recently read in a book I'm reading for Bloom, an online book club started by two very gifted, very faithful women whose blogs I love to read: Bring the Rain and The Mom Creative. Our current book is Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God, written by Francis Chan. I'm really taking my time with this book, re-reading chapters and trying very hard to examine my own relationship with God. One of the chapters contained a section on stress. While I'd love to quote it word for word, that would make for a very long post. So, let me share just a few paragraphs...

When I am consumed by my problems - stressed out about my life, my family, and my job - I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God's command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a "right" to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities.

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.

Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed. (pages 41-42)

Um, wow. Talk about speaking directly to the heart of the problem. My stress and my worry show a lack of faith in God's plan for me. He will care for me, He will watch out for me, He has a plan for me. And by allowing myself to be consumed with worry about me, I forget that the focus of my life should be Him. Um, wow.

Another line of the book, that encapsulates the section on stress and worry completely, is: "The point of your life is to point to Him" (page 44). In everything I do, God wants me to proclaim His glory. My every breath should bring Him glory. Every time I hug my husband or cradle my child, it is to bring Him glory. Every morning when I get up, drive to the train station, and arrive at work, I should bring Him glory. When I'm running late or am stopped by someone who is lost, I should bring Him glory. My every breath should bring Him glory. Um, wow.

It's not easy. Oh, no way, Jose. Thankfully, God is ready to forgive and, when I stumble and allow myself to be consumed by worry, He is ready to forgive my lack of faith and welcome me back with open arms. Can I just say it again: um, wow.

So, that single line is now my mantra. I was ready for work in enough time this morning that I was able to stand next to Abby's crib, watch her sleep and kiss her beautiful little head. I thanked God for her. I opened my email at work this morning and came across a very frustrated, angry email from one of the delegates in our exam prep program. I thanked God for this opportunity to calm the fears of this person and work with my colleagues to develop a solution to his issue. The point of my life is to point to Him. And while I know that I will falter and fail, because I am only human, I know that if I rely on the faithfulness and the grace of God, He will forgive me and give me another chance. So, today starts a new chapter for me, when I make a conscious effort to make the point of my life point to Him.